Alejandra Kottke: Impulsivity and the importance of sunshine for the ADHD brain [Top 10 Replay with Bonus Update]

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Welcome back to my special Top 10 Replay series, where I’m re-releasing 10 interviews that really stood out to me and have stayed with me in some particular way — either because of the topic, or the conversation, or the feedback I received from listeners. For various reasons, I’ve chosen 10 episodes that I feel deserve a replay — so maybe you missed this one the first time around you’ll get a chance to hear it, or if you listened to it when it originally aired, I hope you’ll enjoy listening to it again. 

This week I’m re-releasing my interview with Alejandra Kottke, which originally aired as Episode 12 in February of 2021. This episode was very early in the podcast, and it was the feedback I got for this episode made me realize I had really stumbled into something truly special and magical. Suddenly women were writing to me from all over the world, saying they were brought to tears by these episodes because of how seen and understood they felt as a result these conversations.

I remember how nervous Alejandra was for the episode to air because of how vulnerable she had been, but as often happens, it was a cathartic experience for her and she was thrilled that other women related to her story.

Bonus Update:

Make sure to stick around because, at the end of the episode, I get a chance to check back in with Alejandra and find out what she’s been up to since her diagnosis. Alejandra is now coaching others and working in ministry through her church and showing up fully and embracing her unique brain.

Website: alejandrakottke.carrd.co

Enjoy!

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Speaker 1 0:00
I all of a sudden thought like my whole life made sense going back all the way back to even being a kid. It just snapped into focus like so when you say that I'm I still even right now I'm getting goosebumps because that is literally the statement that describes this whole discovery. It was as though I found the missing piece of the puzzle that helped me to understand myself and my whole life.

Katy Weber 0:32
Hello, and welcome to the women and ADHD podcast. I'm your host, Katy Weber. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 45. And it completely turned my world upside down. I've been looking back at so much of my life, school, jobs, my relationships, all of it with this new lens, and it has been nothing short of overwhelming. I quickly discovered I was not the only woman to have this experience. And now I interview other women who liked me discovered in adulthood, they have ADHD and are finally feeling like they understand who they are and how to best lean into their strengths, both professionally and personally. Welcome back to my special top 10 Replay series where I'm re releasing 10 interviews that have really stood out to me and have stayed with me in some way. I've chosen these 10 episodes, either because of the topic or the conversation we had or the feedback that I've received from listeners like you. These are all episodes that I feel deserve a replay. So maybe you missed this one the first time around, you'll get a chance to hear it, or if you listen to it when it originally aired. I hope you'll enjoy listening to it again. This week is the ninth installment and I'm re releasing my interview with Alejandro Kottke, which originally aired as episode 12. Way back in February of 2021. This episode was very early in the podcast and it was the feedback I got for this episode that made me realize I had really stumbled onto something truly special and magical with this podcast. This was around the first time that women were writing to me from other countries around the world sharing how they were brought to tears by these episodes because of how seen and understood they felt as a result of these conversations. I remember how nervous Ella Hunter was for the episode to air because of how vulnerable she had been. But as often happens, it was a truly cathartic experience for her and she was thrilled to find out that other women related to her story. Now make sure to stick around because at the end of the episode, I get a chance to check back in with Ella Hydra and find out what she's been up to since her diagnosis and the interview. Alejandra is now life coaching others and working in ministry through her church and showing up fully and embracing her unique break. So here as part of my top 10 Replay series I give you episode 12 with Alejandro Kottke. Allah hundra lives in Northern Illinois with her husband and two sons. Her brick and mortar tanning business closed in 2020 Thanks to COVID. So she pivoted to working one on one with clients as a master certified spray tan artist. Alejandra had only been diagnosed a couple months when we spoke. And so much of her inner journey since then is so relatable. So if you've just been diagnosed, like hold on to your pants, because you are really going to relate to this interview so much she has a real gift for articulating the emotional rollercoaster that we all ride after discovering we have ADHD. If you know somebody who was recently diagnosed, please share this episode with them. Because I just think it's it just touches so many points in terms of what we go through. During those first few weeks of recognition. We also talk about how she got into the business of tanning, and how since sunlight is supposed to be very helpful for the ADHD brain, it kind of makes sense that she really loves tanning, which I think is really interesting. I don't know any research about that, but it seems like it would make sense. And then this leads us to talking about impulsivity and starting a business on a whim, which is kind of what she did, and following our guts. And the logic behind why people with ADHD are chronic procrastinators and why we thrive with strict deadlines. So yeah, lots of great insights into entrepreneurship and the highs and lows of starting a business when you have ADHD. Also, I've discussed Jessie Romero's female entrepreneurs Facebook group with past guests and I always forget to include a link to the show notes, but this time I finally done it. So if you're interested in following Jesse or joining her group, check out the show notes. She is awesome. And it has created an amazing resource for ADHD female entrepreneurs. Okay, without further ado, enjoy. Awesome All right, well welcome Ella Han drive so excited. Good to have you join me today.

Speaker 1 5:02
Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. This is my first time ever doing anything like this. So I'm a little nervous. Don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. I've, I'm hoping, nothing embarrassing.

Katy Weber 5:15
Well, that's the beauty of having a podcast about women with ADHD is I find that like, we can get away with a lot more in, in this arena. Because you know, if we're interrupting each other, or if we're stumbling over our words, or if we lose our train of thought mid sentence, we're just like, yeah, that's all part of the ADHD. So yeah, nothing to worry about. Okay, so you are also fairly newly diagnosed, right? Yes. So, a couple months, that trend, I'm calling us pandemic diagnoses,

Unknown Speaker 5:49
right? The Tick Tock variety,

Katy Weber 5:53
right. Oh, okay. Okay, I'm gonna ask you about whatever some of your favorite resources are. But first, I want to ask you, kind of what led up to you first thinking that you had ADHD? And kind of what? Walk me through what led up to your recent diagnosis?

Speaker 1 6:13
Okay, so when I said the Tick Tock variety, I mean, that's literally the first time that the light bulb went on, I was and I was starting to connect the dots. So I saw this one tick tock, and it was, she was using the the audio from a podcast called I have ADHD. And she was talking about executive function, and what it looks like, and everything that you know how in Tic Toc, they, they point to the air, and then the words come up. And it showed the words, you know, like the the specifics to the executive function issues as she was, you know, using the voiceover from the, from the podcast. And I'm like, Oh, my gosh, that's me. That's she's talking about me. And so of course, curiosity, the hyperfocus thing. So then I go and find this podcast. And I started listening, I start binging it from the very first one. And it was like an awakening. I thought, like, I always felt like I was an oddball, like I was all by myself, my, my peculiarities were all my own. And there was no one in the world like me, it was just me. And I needed to figure out myself, so that I could function and release all the greatness that is inside, you know what I mean? Like you feel so I was, like, oh, my gosh, there's a whole bunch of us. Oh, yeah, it's, uh, so that was, that was the beginning. And as I started to, I don't think I had language before, really, for all of the little things. And all of the big things, I don't think that I, I understood that there was, you know, what I mean, all of basically, it's just a jumble. And you're trying to work through your own jumble, I was trying to work through my own jumble. And then when she basically started, she had like, a podcast on each thing. And it unraveled and gave language to the things that I had been struggling with, and the great things as well. And it was amazing. And so after that once realizing, you know, okay, this is real, this isn't just, I have some things in common, then I, you know, started consuming, like some some of the resources that she had mentioned, and then I thought, It's time I need to, I need to call my doctor. So I call my doctor. And I took all these surveys, you know, just to see if, so I could show up with some information that so that she didn't just think like, oh, you're crazy. And, and I took all of these, like, tests in the back of this book. So I took that to my doctor. And, and she didn't really, you know, she was like, Oh, okay. Yeah. And it was really actually easier than I thought it was gonna be. I thought it was gonna be like, okay, a lot, a long process. And it really wasn't.

Katy Weber 9:12
I had a very similar experience. I also I took the self tests online. And I took one with attitude magazine, the one that the self test for women, which I got almost a perfect score on. And so I printed that out. I definitely wanted to bring that to my doctor. And then I had another checklist that I had found in Tracy out zookas ADHD for smartest women, her Facebook group in her resources. She had a pretty extensive checklist that I also brought in because it feels like the stakes are high, right? Like you sort of right like, if, if my doctor doesn't agree with that I have this diagnosis of something that suddenly makes my whole life make sense. If my doctor doesn't validate that, then what do I do like I feel Write a lot of panic, that she was going to say, oh, you know, you're crazy. Don't be silly. This is, you know, you're just stressed or it's just the pandemic or, you know, right. And then it went really easily, you know, like, I was there with all of my papers and, and, and she was really sort of like, oh, yeah, yeah, let's let's get this diagnosed and let's get this treated. And I was like, Oh, well, I wasn't prepared for this. It was gonna be so and just to clarify, this is the the, you were listening to the I have ADHD podcast with Kristen Carter, right?

Speaker 1 10:32
That's right. Yes. When you talk to her, okay. Yeah. And it's so funny, because when you say that you said it made your whole life makes sense. I heard that I would listen to your previous podcast. And when you said that, I get goosebumps. Because that's literally how I described it. I all of a sudden, felt like my whole life made sense. Going back all the way back to even being a kid. It just snapped into focus like so when you say that I'm I still even right now. I'm getting goosebumps. Because that is literally the statement that describes this whole discovery. It was as though I found the missing piece of the puzzle that helped me to understand myself and my whole life.

Katy Weber 11:16
Yes, and I think if, if anything is an indicator that you have ADHD, it would be the that overwhelming rush of recognition. You know, it's one thing to watch those tic tock videos and be like, Oh, haha, I struggle with that. But I think it's another thing entirely when you when you bring in this feeling of like, I had this one narrative my entire life. And now this is probably one of the most important revelations I've ever had about who I am and my identity. That's probably an indication that you have ADHD, you know how important it is for you to be able to reframe your life because I think we go through our whole lives with this sense of who we are. And it's often very negative. And there is a lot of that negative self talk and self deprecation and then just be like, Oh, my goodness, there's an explanation for all of it. It is so, so life changing. Absolutely. So what are some specific things then when you look back at your life growing up where you think, Oh, yes, that was obviously clearly ADHD.

Speaker 1 12:25
Okay, so my earliest memory that I can really pinpoint, because I've really thought I've really thought about this. When I was, I think, in kindergarten, I was sent to the school psychologist, because my teacher thought there was something odd about me, she and I have always tried to understand, you know, what was it like, what what was the deal? So I know that I, I would finish my work quickly. I feel like I was pretty bright in school wasn't something that was super hard for me. But I would finish before everyone else. And then I would turn around because I was impatient. And I needed to help everyone else. Hurry up and finish so so I would disrupt the class. So then I got sent to the school psychologists They did whatever things that they did, I don't know. You know, I played with dolls and played in sand and did different things. And she really didn't say that there was anything the matter with me, she just said, you know, she's bright, and she gets bored. And then other things, things, you know, that I think were maybe indicative? My, that kind of showed my impulsive nature. So one of the things that I was obsessed with, and also maybe hyperfocus okay, maybe possibly, I was obsessed with water. And so if there was a body of water that I could climb into, I would do that. So I my parents would tell me stories of how I would literally I was in Mexico, we were my family's from Mexico. And I would jump in the water trough like at the ranch where the horses drink. If I saw water, I was trying to get into it. The other funny thing is that I would always wear my bathing suit underneath my clothes, and I would try it and I always want to just to get into my bathing suit. So I was ready for the water. It's just so weird. And I don't know if this was just me being a weird child. Or has anything to do with ADHD but I'm just thinking through you know, what are the different treats you know, with the impulsivity, the the hyper focusing another thing on the hyper focusing I would have a, I would get obsessive about certain things like I went through a period of being obsessed with making bracelets and making jewelry. And so I one whole summer, I amassed all these beads in an elastic, and I would sit in front of I would go to my grandma's house and I watched the Little Mermaid because that's another obsession. I was obsessed with the little mermaid and I literally watched it on repeat from the time that I woke up to the time that I went to bed making bracelets and then I would sell these bracelets. So I don't know, I don't know if that was just me being peculiar or if that was, you know, showing the the traits, I'm still learning so much. So

Katy Weber 15:15
the water one is fascinating. I don't have an answer for the water one, maybe somebody out there will I think the making bracelets and then also selling them definitely was like a flag what up for me because I thought I feel like I'm learning so much about other women in their childhood and that idea that we get, which is like you sub suddenly you're interested in something. And then you're going to do it all the time. And you're going to make money on it. And this is going to be how you like get rich. Yeah, you take it you go from zero to 100. Really cool. Yeah, it comes to interests. So I love how many women I've talked to who had like childhood businesses. Oh, yeah. And we're, we're already making that connection as kids.

Speaker 1 15:59
Yep, absolutely. And we did we, we had a pool, and I created this club. So basically, all the kids would pay me dues, I would go and buy all of the, all of the pool like toys, and then the kids could come over and, and, and play in our pool. And I was always doing that, okay, the or like, I would play, we had restaurants. So I would play restaurant. And I would create, like a whole restaurant environment in our garage, because we always had leftover restaurant equipment and things. And, and then I would actually sell lemonade. So we'd set up our little, you know, lemonade stand on the on the corner, there was always something it was always organizing people to create a business to make money. And then it would it was just like, you know, basically my life, even to this day.

Katy Weber 17:00
Yeah, I think there is the organization element. Definitely. I feel like I relate to that a lot. And still, even as an adult, I feel like I'm in a constant state of organization without ever actually feeling organized.

Unknown Speaker 17:13
Totally. Oh my gosh, that's so true.

Katy Weber 17:16
Now, when it came to comes to school, and studying and your grades, how was that for you?

Speaker 1 17:23
You know, I didn't ever my parents were never super involved with my school. So I but I was internally motivated to do well. And I don't think that it was ever really I don't think that I ever really struggled with school until high school. And I had in it was algebra, and it was when math started to get more complicated and where it was concepts building upon concepts. And if I would just tune out, because I could not I had no idea what was going on. And if I missed because I tuned out, I would space out I missed one concept. And then I would be it would it's Forget it, you know, you're screwed because you didn't catch that one. And then you're not catching the next one.

Katy Weber 18:10
I feel like I hear that a lot with with math and also the kind of impractical cut impracticability of it. What's the word I'm looking for, like the inability to kind of give it a practical application in your mind immediately. I think it's also difficult at that age. Right? Just sort of that boredom, which is like, why are we learning this again? Right, exactly. And then you tune out?

Speaker 1 18:33
Yep. That's exactly right. And it happened in college with the same I mean, I, my whole associate's degree was delayed. Because I could not pass the stupid class to retake it like three times. I think. I think I did end up pass. I don't even think actually, I don't even think I did end up passing it. Oh, Lord. Yeah. So my whole education got stuck on that one stupid class.

Katy Weber 19:00
With college, I actually there's you can get like the three year degree, or the four year with honors, and the four year with honors was really necessary if anybody wanted to go on and do their master's degree. And I stayed in school for that fourth year, because I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. And everybody else was staying for their fourth year, but I knew I didn't want to go on and do my masters. And halfway through my last semester, I got a job as a journalist and working in a newspaper, which was what I wanted to do. And I ended up just stopped. I just stopped going to all of my classes, and I got F's in all of the classes of my last semester, because I didn't, I was like, well, I already got the job. You know, like, I was like, What's the point? And so it's always been this thing that I carried with me secretly my whole life, which was like, I got a diploma. But my grade point average just was destroyed by that last semester, and I look back now and I'm like, Oh my God, that's so ADHD of me to just Be like, nope, not interested. Sorry. And then like, just stop going to all my classes, because let's find out you just it just wrote when you were talking about college, it just reminded me of that. And I was like, oh, yeah, I don't think I ever made that connection. So then, you said you had a brick and mortar spray tan business? That did have to close in 2020. How did you get into that business? And tell me about that?

Speaker 1 20:33
Okay, so this is so ADHD, it's hilarious. Okay. It was the summer of 2016. I might, okay, so just some background. I'm from California, and I live in Illinois now. And we moved here 2011. I have two boys. And my husband also has has his shoe. So we're blended family. But my two boys, they go home to California every summer. And every summer that they go home. It's as though I'm caught completely off guard. And I don't know what to do with myself. Because who in the world am I without my children. And I so knowing that this was going to happen, I anticipated this to happen. And instead of being caught off guard, this time, I wanted to really spend the summer reuniting with myself, and remembering who I am and what you know, who I Who was I who am I? And who do I want to be you know, so part of my process was one of the things was that I, I really wanted this is just simple. Like, I mean, I we have a big, we live in the country, I have big yard. And I never wear pants. I mean, I never worked. I never wear shorts because I never want to show my legs and my legs had not seen the light of day for probably since I probably since I lived in California. So I my legs were so paper white. And I wanted to be able to wear shorts to mow my lawn. But it's Illinois summers. It's hot, it's sticky. There's bugs, like you're not going to sit outside at least I wasn't going to sit outside and wait to get a tan. So I went to the nearby little town of Winnebago and I I found a little tanning salon there. And I started going and so what I found in this process of going to the tanning salon and laying in a tanning bed was that the sunshine enough of that, that experience just gave me it was like a reset. For me it just felt like I was just being like, loved on by the sun for a few minutes. I mean, not not abusively, you know, not not like burning or anything like that. But it just felt like a reset. So I really enjoyed how that felt. And I really enjoyed going. And if I was having a difficult day, I would go when I would when I would go I felt like it was a restart to my day. So anyway, so I'm enjoying this process. And then I tell the lady there at the at that owns a salon and like I you know, I really, really glad that I found you guys. That was I'm really enjoying. I'm really enjoying coming. And mind you this was just part of my process a whole summer was like, you know, a lot of a lot of this is so funny. So I started also doing yoga. And, and like trying to be still in my mind, because my mind felt like it was a runaway train, and I could not get it to stop. Now, in hindsight, I realize Holy crap. Your mind is totally ADHD. And I was so basically I was trying to find tools to manage the chaos in my mind and my brain. So anyway, going back to the thing, so that's how I discovered this business. Then she said, When I tell her this, that I that I really am enjoying this process. blabbity blah, she's like, Yeah, you know, we're we're selling the business because we're going to be moving back home and, and I was super bummed because I'm like, No, I just found you guys, you can't leave. And that. And that weekend, my husband and I took a trip to cornucopia, Wisconsin to go see a friend of his it's like an eight hour drive. And so I'm telling him what, you know, what happened? And we both kind of like looked at each other, like, you know, thinking the same thing, like, would that be a good opportunity for us? And so, then we're like, okay, like, we were like, okay, just name $1 amount that would make it even, you know, and so we kind of went through this whole process, and we were both on the same page on every single thing. And so then that I mean, that's kind of how the ball started getting rolled. You know, and it's so ridiculous because how impulsive is that I knew nothing about this industry, I knew nothing about this kind of business. And I just knew that I loved that experience of it. And I'm suit like, I've, I've been in business before our families want, you know, you know, like, with the way that our brains were always creating businesses out of things. And I just knew that I've been I've done it before, like, I've gone into something before that I knew nothing about and learned on the fly, because that's I get I'm super resourceful. And I love to learn new things. And I love to create something. And so I yeah, I just, I mean, if I think about it, if like, if a if a person who was like a logical thinker, it with a background in business, were to evaluate my process, they would think I was crazy. Because I didn't have any numbers. I had no reason to believe that this could work. All I had was the desire to create something beautiful, and the desire to test myself and to bet on myself and to take this risk. Knowing that I would figure it out. So that's so that's how I ended up in this business. It was, it's a tanning salon and boutique. And so there was tanning there were spray tanning. So in the process, I became a spray tan artist. And of course, I had to go like, all the way and get my Master's certification and, and really perfect it and all of that and, and then there was the boutique portion of it as well. And then I started doing workshops, you know, like fishing board workshops, and I got into, you know, CBD, and then we did a CBD workshop and was just super involved in the community. And, and just, it was amazing. It was awesome. And then COVID happened. And that kind of forced, it kind of forced a decision because and my lease was coming up, it was almost like the cute like, it was like 1000 roads intersected and I had to make a decision. But at first I didn't have enough information. And it was really difficult. And I was you know, I just was so it was so traumatic, it felt so traumatic, because it's not, you know, you have to answer questions that you don't have enough information to answer. It was just a lot of things. So anyway, regardless, now I'm very, very grateful because I know that I made the right decision to close that business, and to shift completely. And so now I'm just doing spray tanning out of a studio that I have here. It's like building separate from my house, kind of like a granny house. Super cute, but I get to keep my one on one clientele. I get to do what I love. And I'm not, I don't have all the extra stress of the entire you know all of the facets of the business with you know, so it's perfect. And now I get to do some get to dive into some other things that I want to do. And I get to have some time of exploration. So I feel like it just talk and talk and talk and talk. I'm sorry, you can interrupt me at any time. I'm

Katy Weber 28:27
trying really hard not to interrupt you. So I'm like taking notes that I want to say later because I love everything you're saying it's so important that I think it's so insightful into how our brains work. First of all, like the relationship with the sun and the tanning I thought was really interesting because I've heard so much about the importance of being outside in nature. And for people with ADHD and how much we respond to like that outside time. But I'd never really made that connection with the importance of the sun. I don't know if it's vitamin D or what it is, but like I always have really bad seasonal affective disorder saints and I wonder if that is common with a lot of people with ADHD. And I used to love when I worked nights at a newspaper you know my I always worked from like, like four to midnight though that was like my ideal shift because I could have as much daytime as possible to be outside in the sun and then I would do you know then I would work at night when it was dark and it was like the perfect setup for me. And I loved it and I did it for years and years and years until I had babies and then I couldn't do that anymore because babies make you wake up at 6am No matter what. And so that's really interesting. I never made that connection but I bet you there is something about mood and the dopamine and that satin you know and that importance of tanning and then also just the the different sides to him. holds 70 When it comes to starting a business, you know, like, I think the fact that we are so impulsive allows us to go with our gut and go and really listen to those moments where we're like, this is gonna work, you know, and we don't overthink things. We don't sit back and make, you know, pros and cons list, even though maybe we should. But it's, you know, it's just our lot in life. And it's how we make our decisions. And I think it allows us to really lean into that intuitive nature that a lot of people can lose. And then I just love how you have to stay positive throughout this whole thing. And I think that's also something that is also that I'm seeing a lot with other women in ADHD, which is like this mentality of like, yeah, I screw up all the time. But like, everything happens for a reason. And now look at all the things that this decision has brought me. And it's not exactly where I thought I was going. But like, we're so easy, we're really good at pivoting. And it's something that we need to do a lot of in our lives because we get bored, and we change our minds a lot. But I think that ability to really kind of look back and think like, if it wasn't for ABC, I wouldn't be where I am right now. So,

Speaker 1 31:10
right. And you know, something else that's so funny is, I love the process of envisioning something, and then going to work to create it. But once that's done, it is like pulling teeth. And it was I was at that point with my business. I don't think that I had no part of it, you know, they say like you you're not always aware of, of your thoughts. Or you're not always aware like you sometimes like you, you're not really aware of something until hindsight, right. So it's, I think I was at the point of in the business where I had finally Creek because it I mean, it took time to create the the entire experience that I wanted to create, I mean, I had a vision very, very specific of what I wanted to create. And and because I didn't have like a ton of money I was I didn't have like, a bunch of money to infuse at the very beginning. So what I did was I just kept reinvesting reinvesting until I created what I wanted to create in my mind. And then when that was done, the actual day to day process of just walking it out, was I was not enjoyable at all I could find. And I would make, I would try to like, I would create all of these, you know, I know that this is where I need to do next, I know that this is my plan. But I just could not figure out how to walk this out every single day, it was almost like the exciting part was over and now was the part of actually, you know, walking out these specific things that I know, this is what the business needs in order for it to grow even more and to do blah, blah, blah. But it wasn't that that part's not exciting to me. So it's funny how now I can look back and be like, Okay, I realize now that that's all part of it, as well also, you know, the whole executive dysfunction of not being able to figure out like I would, I could not figure out how to start something until I had the external pressure of a deadline, or, you know, this event that was coming up. Now I like I you know, I think God that he sent me such an amazing team all throughout all the different seasons of that business. Because I probably stressed them out. So with that, because, you know, they're, they're like, Okay, just give us direction. I'm like, I'm trying to this part of my process. I've got, you know, like you have to get the chaos has to go through this funnel before it can be, you know, before you can have the plan, but I can't have that process doesn't happen for me until there's time pressure, then the time pressure, then all of a sudden no snaps into focus. And now it's time to run. And I can I'm so good at that. And I so I, I know my process, I know that I will always pull it off, I'll pull it off, like the day that you know, the day that it's supposed to happen. It's going to happen. It's going to be amazing. But between now and then I'm going to stress everyone out.

Katy Weber 34:21
Do you remember that post in the female entrepreneurs Facebook group, about implementation and there was a woman who had said, you know, it feels like standing on the edge of the cliff. And you see the other cliff, and you just don't see the bridge? Right? Absolutely. About I think about that. That allegory all the time when it comes to you know, not being able to figure out you know, where you want to go you know how you need to, you know, but you're right, you can see the big picture in a way, but you just don't know how to take those first steps right. And then like you said it once you have the time restriction eventually you do like jump? Right? You know, once. I think it's that, I think is why we probably work so well when it comes to like, really, really strict deadlines is because then you're not kind of looking for all the ways you're supposed to do things you just like as grown I'm going to do. I think about that cliff analogy all the time.

Speaker 1 35:21
It's so true. One of my clients turned teammate turn and then the husband ended up mentoring me for a little bit. I think that the both of them probably knew that I had ADHD before I did. Because, you know, they're I laugh because my gosh, the things they had to go through with me. But Mikey would always tell me, he's like, okay, he's he was always trying to help me create systems to help me rein in, rein myself in. And he's like, it's like, you go to the grocery store, and you go, and you, you buy all the ingredients to make spaghetti and you come home and you realize you don't have the pots and pans to make it. He's like, You need to make sure the pots and pans before you can go to the grocery store and buy all the ingredients. And the funny thing is, is at that time, I had no I didn't know that I had ADHD, but no idea. And I just was like, What is wrong with me that I feel like I'm a kid still, and I'm constantly trying to create systems to keep myself together. But you know, but yet I have these amazing results in my life. You know, like, I, I go into things not knowing how to do things, but I throw myself into it. And then when I look back, I'm like, dang, look what you did. That's amazing. You know, but at the same time, it's like, Why do I feel like I'm working so much harder than the average person just to function like a normal human being. And I'm failing at that, like, oh, it's crazy. It's so funny. So now like, just, I mean, I've only had really two months to process all of this. So I'm still even right now just processing this out loud, just realizing Holy crap. Like it was so obvious. And I'm sure that it was obvious to everyone else. You know, before it was obvious to me.

Katy Weber 37:12
Yeah, I remember hearing that metaphor of like, it felt like everybody else got the manual in life, right. And I never got it. And that's like, that's kind of how you feel in so many different situations. It really is really difficult to describe. I think you're doing a great job of it. I think a lot of people are going to relate to how you're talking about it in terms of doing the work, reading the books, and yet still feeling like there was a part of you that was irreparably broken. Broke.

Speaker 1 37:38
Exactly. That's you're using another one of my words. Oh, my gosh, did I

Katy Weber 37:41
I know. I'm feeling it right from your answer with the what do you love most? I think you said I loved it. It said. So you said I thought I was irreparably broken. I read all the books. I listened to all the podcasts. I bought all the courses. And I did so much work and yet I still felt broken. Yeah.

Speaker 1 37:58
Yes. And see, this is what this is the beauty of having the diagnosis of knowing now. That it's just how my brain is wired. It's how God made me. I'm not broken. Like you have no idea how liberating that has been for me because I lived with so much shame. Like I can cry, I lived with so much steam thinking there was something wrong with me. There's also there's, there's a part that trauma plays in, in all of this story too. For me, I had to unravel and do a lot of like, so starting that last four or five years, like I said that summer, that was a summer that I became very intentional. And it was it continued this whole last four or five years has been a continual process of just surrender. And instead of like I always say like, it felt like I was always either running away from something or running towards something. But I was never just still, I never would just let God do the work in me that needed to be done. Like I I wasn't surrendered, you know, and I was afraid of facing the trauma, I was afraid of thinking about the things that have happened, you know, because there's been a lot of things that a lot of dark seasons in my life, you know, and so I thought that maybe on the other side of the trauma work, maybe when you know when I'm healed of this, maybe when I've released and let this go when I've processed all of these things. But when I had done all of this work on my heart, I got to the point where I was like Lord, like why do I still feel so broken? You know, and it was so painful and I just thought I started to feel hopeless. Like I'm just going to be this way forever. I'm always going to look around this anchor of sadness and and feel like I'm not worthy. Like I'm not good enough like I will never be enough you know? And that is a bird it in, that is so heavy. And when I realized that I was like, some like Lady Gaga, I wouldn't when I realized I was born this way, like I was designed this way that I wasn't broken, that I'm different. And that's just the way that God made me like, that was so freeing, because it was as though I could let go of that shame of feeling like, I wasn't enough. And that I would always be this way.

Katy Weber 40:36
I feel like there is so much grief involved as well in this diagnosis. And I've spoken about this, a few of my other guests, which is like, looking back at your life and thinking, you know, feeling so much grief for that woman who went through all of the things she went through not knowing, kind of, quote unquote, what was wrong with her and, and I remember when I first had my diagnosis, I was talking to my therapist, and I said, like, why is this called, you know, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, it's not a disorder. This is a superpower. And I was going on and on and on about how great it was. And she said, but it is a disorder, you still have to remember that you've been going through your life with a brick tied to your ankle. No. And she said, you've had to work so much harder than everybody else, because of this brick. And she said, Don't discredit the brick, you know, like, don't deny the fact that the brick is there that the order is there, you net Yes. Now you have the tools. Now you have the ways in which you can work around, you were kind of kind of fumbling and intuitively getting to them your whole life. And now you're at this place where you have a lot more knowledge and power. But the brick is still there. And you need to acknowledge that that is part of your life.

Speaker 1 41:57
Yeah, and you know, something that when you were when you mentioned that brick, I just resonated with that so much. Because I remember writing in my journal, it was almost like, we work so much harder, like you said, and so much effort to rise, so much effort to rise. And I thought, and my thought was, well, okay, so right now I'm kind of like, seeking I'm like seeking the anchors, I'm looking for the anchors, what are the anchors, I need to cut the anchors, because once I cut once I'm free from these anchors, with the amount of energy that I am outputting to rise, once you are like released from those anchors, holy crap, you're gonna rise like a rocket, you know? And so I felt like, okay, that trauma. Those are those were all anchors. And I That's why I felt like why do I still feel like I'm tied to this thing? Okay, so now I know. Yeah, it is something that I'm going to be, like you said, we're always going to have this tied to our ankle. But the beauty of knowing is now like, you can know what's going on. So like, for me, like, now that I understand what's going on. When things are happening. I'm like, Okay, this is what's happening right now. So now I know that this is what I'm doing, because I'm trying to avoid doing the final books for the business. And because why? Because it's hard, and I don't want to, and it reminds me of something that is dead. And you know, think about and so I'm going to set a timer for 15 minutes, I'm just going to start. And so anyway, my point is, is that once you know what your anger is, you can work around it and you're empowered to, to overcome it. So it doesn't have to be just this thing that's holding you back. That makes you feel like you're never going to get there. Do you know what I mean?

Katy Weber 43:57
Oh, yeah, you know, you've got this brick, but you just need to like find the skateboard to put the brick on

Speaker 1 44:03
rice. Oh my gosh, it's so good. So good. I know we're killing

Katy Weber 44:06
it with the metaphors today.

So now you're also pursuing a life coaching certification?

Speaker 1 44:17
Yes. So I always this is okay, here I go again, I feel like you I can't just answer your question with a simple answer. I've got to give you the whole life story behind every single thing.

Katy Weber 44:32
Oh, that all the pieces like art feel. I think you're used to doing that with people because all the pieces feel like they're not connected, but in your brain. They're totally connected.

Speaker 1 44:42
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. So, okay, so like I said, I've been through some things and the only thing that kept me I feel like it was literally what saved me was the belief that all things work together for the good and that God was Wanna use the things that I've been through to help someone else? And so while I would be going through awful traumatic things, I would just remember, okay, Alejandra, you're the guinea pig like this is happening. But you can get through this. And when you get through this, you're gonna find you're going to be able to have a pathway, that you know that you'll be able to help someone else go through this. And the thing is, though, is that I got to the point where I was just like, I'm hungry, you've been through all these things, but I don't think that you found the path. So you really can't help anyone. So that's where that's where I am now, though, where I'm like, Okay, so I've done a lot of hard work. I've done a lot of things. And now with this, this is another missing piece of the puzzle. So that's really awesome. But I've always, at the core of me, though, I've always wanted to help others. And I just haven't really known how. So one of the things is, yes, I am. I'm doing a life coaching certification. I'm working on that. It is not yet done. Because, among other things, I have a lot of things that I really like, Oh, God, I'm telling you, like, I had to create a Trello board, somebody introduced me to Trello. And it's amazing, because now I can put I created a board for all the courses. And then I'm like, okay, so what do I want to pursue first. And it all would work together. But I think that life coaching certification, just I really would like to do, and I really want to have, I really want to do a podcast. That's the other thing. So that's, but I'm thinking podcast first. Because why? I don't actually nobody's, I have no audience, no one's gonna be listening. So I can just do it. So I can learn how to do it. And nobody needs to hear it, because there's nobody listening. And I figure if I just get started, and that's just the thing, if I, if I had, this is how I do everything, I just start, and then all the pieces will like all the pieces to the path will reveal themselves, and then it will become something beautiful. I don't need to know how I just need to start. So that's kind of I'm thinking my my path forward is I'm gonna do the podcast first, because I have no audience. So it's good. But he needs to hear me fumble through and figure it out. And meanwhile, I'll work on my life coaching certification and figure out a way to help other women like me, if I could reach back to my past self, and help myself forward. I think that's what I would love to do is to help other alhambra's of the past.

Katy Weber 47:48
You know, I think there is definitely a reason why so many of us are coaches, I think we share that sense of making connections, making like life altering connections, and having these epiphanies and realizing it right, know how important they are and wanting to help others get to that point and and really that empathy and that desire to help others I think is really strong in us. But we're also met with so much of that self doubt, which is like, Well, who am I to coach anyone else have a heart? Oh, so Right. And so I you know, I think a lot of coaches struggle with that imposter syndrome. But I think we make the best coaches because of the fact that we are able to make those connections and people see that in us. I think people see that excitement and and they relate to that. I don't think you have to worry at all. I mean, I've I've been talking to you. I've never met you before and I'm just like, Ah, yes, you'd be such a good coach. Just tell them I can tell it in your, you know, in in your self awareness. And I think also just the lightheartedness and the humor, I mean, your personalities. If that is what you want to do, I think you're you're perfectly suited for it. Oh, think sure people will be drawn to you. And as for the podcast, I mean, that's 100% why I started this podcast was I wanted an excuse to interview people. Because I love talking to other women. And I know that interviewing other women about this topic that is so fascinating to me is that's just how I learned I learned about myself from asking other people questions. And it's, you know, I think it's also have you seen a lot of the memes about like, I know, I'm interrupting you and talking about myself a lot. But it's like how I process information is bringing out, you know, finding how we relate to each other as human beings. So I was like, How can I figure out a way to interview other women that I don't know, I like wanted excuse to talk to them. So I'm going to start this podcast, fairly selfish.

Speaker 1 49:46
Well, but you know, you're doing a really great job. That's awesome. Because so the ones that I listened to, they were so good. And you said you have a great podcasting voice. Like really, really good.

Katy Weber 49:57
Yeah, that's my 13 year old. I'm going to tell my 13 year old daughter because she says, You sound so depressed. You sound so angry all the time. But I've like, many.

Speaker 1 50:05
No, it's beautiful, beautiful voice. And they're so they're so easy to listen to. And the whole time I'm like, Oh my gosh, yeah. Oh my gosh, yeah. And to the point even where I was like, What am I going? I'm like literally going to be her. Like, she probably isn't even gonna be able to use it. Because what am I going to have to say, for 45 minutes? Like, women sounds so intelligent and so self aware. And so, like, I learned so much about the, the, actually, it was my last I was on my way to my doctor's appointment where I decided finally I'm going to take a break from trying medicines and and just do supplementation when you were interviewing the lady about the supplementation and the importance of like the gut, brain connection and all of this stuff. And I learned so much from that from that episode. And I thought, oh, my gosh, she's so smart. I don't know if she's gonna be able to use my podcast.

Katy Weber 51:00
Yeah, oh, my God, you just made my day. Because I think the one thing I'm loving these conversations so much, but again, I'm sort of like I'm putting them out there. And I have no idea if anyone else is going to want to listen to these random conversations with women, but I just find them so informative. And yes, that woman, especially Karen minor heard, she just was like, blowing me away. She was really interesting. But I think this is one of the most relatable conversations I've had, honestly, I feel like you are offering a lot. And I think you really, you know, you have a really incredible way of just tapping into that feeling of the freedom, you know, like you were talking about with the anchors and that kind of excitement, about this new awareness and how you're going to live your life but also like a lot of sadness that comes with this diagnosis, which is like, wow, you know, like, I've really coming to grips with how difficult my life has been, maybe it's something we weren't really willing to sit down and think about because we were working so hard to just get shit done. Right? Absolutely. There is there's it's there's so much to unpack, especially and especially when there's past trauma and that feeling of like, What is Depression? What is anxiety? What is ADHD? I don't really know, does it even matter if I know? So now, do you feel like your maybe your kids have it? Or does your husband have it or anyone else in our life so

Speaker 1 52:24
funny. So my son was diagnosed, I have two sons. One was diagnosed when he was in second grade. The other one in fifth grade, his teacher thought he had ADD, because his desk was just I mean, you couldn't he couldn't close it. He was he's like the absent minded professor. He's super smart. And he's super, he hyper focused on things that, that he was, you know, like trains. And he just was super duper peculiar in his own way. He didn't speak until he was four. But he was a drawing since before he was one. Like, he was just such a, I just was in awe of this kid, I just absolutely loved them, that we went to took them to the doctor. She tried to give him like Adderall or whatever. He hated how that felt. So then she's like, Okay, I'm going to refer you to a pediatric neurologist. He gets referred, he gets diagnosed with Asperger's with with autism. And that made perfect sense. Um, with everything that, you know, I, it was what it was, again, one of those things, but then I had this crisis in myself, I thought, whatever he is, I am, because we are so much alike. And so I had this period of time where I thought, oh, my gosh, do I have Asperger's? Like do I have? Am I also autistic, because, you know, like, just identify so much with all of his peculiarities, I thought for sure, then that must mean that that me too. And now that I have this, you know, and now I'm starting to see I'm like, Okay, do you have Asperger's? Or do you have ADHD? Like, I don't know. But yes, definitely, both my boys have been affected. Their neurodivergent is the new word that I'm learning. And now like so I one of the things that I learned was that ADHD is genetic. So more than likely someone in your family, right? So I look and like, okay, both my parents like which one? And I'm like, for sure my mom, or my mom, and like, and you know what, also, I think my dad too. And so I had the conversation with my mom. I'm like, Mom, you're not going to believe this. But I have ADHD. And let me tell you why. And let me tell you what it means. And let me tell you what, how she presents itself and mom, I think you may have it too. And she goes, Oh my gosh, Alejandra. She's like I think I do. I'm like diagnosing my whole family.

Katy Weber 54:54
Oh, I know. I'm doing the same thing. Have you ever heard the term? You know when mom's on a diet everyone's on a diet? Yep. So my daughter says the same thing about ADHD. She's like, what mom has ADHD, everybody has ADHD. Because I'm evaluating everybody in my life. And I honestly think I mean, I think the official numbers are like, 8% of people have ADHD in the US, but like, I think just based on how much I'm learning about it, and how much I'm learning about myself, and all the people I've encountered in my life, I'm like, it's got to be so many more people, right? When the more we really start to understand it, and see how it presents itself so differently in different people. I mean, you had two sons, and you recognize it in them, but long before you recognize it in yourself, that's how far we need to.

Speaker 1 55:40
And it's so funny too, because now that I now that I've realized this about myself, I feel like I'm such, like, for one, now I understand what they are struggling with, like so now it's almost like, shifted our entire relationship like, and not only that, but it's so it's so much there's so much freedom there like now I'm not pushing a rock up a hill, like now I can just call it out, like, Okay, here's what, here's what, here's the kind of guy I'm having. And here's what's happening. And, and so now I can also understand what they're experiencing, and they feel so much more understood. And it's just, I feel like we're, our relationships are so much better, like the harmony in my household is so much better. Because there's this understanding and like, and the funny thing too, when I first started talking about it, my son is like, okay, so you're gonna like self diagnose yourself, like they're both in high school. So he, and he was like, Yeah, whatever, like, just totally dismissing and being a little butthead. And finally I did go and I, you know, I got the diagnosis and everything. And it's not something that it was just like, an idea that I had, because I have lots of like, you know, the hyper focus, like, you have the idea, and then you fixate on it for a little while, and then it's gone. It's like you forget about it. But it hasn't, and it's still here. And so now it's like, okay, he's a little bit. He's now he's like, understanding that I understand him also. So it's, it's been really good. I don't know if anything of what I just said made any sense. But all that to say, it's been really good. Yeah, absolutely.

Katy Weber 57:16
And I think the diagnosis, the understanding alone is such a huge part of that freedom, you know, even if you're not even treating it, or if your life isn't necessarily immediately better. But just that awareness, I was on another interview I had recently I likened it to like walking around your house with a foot of water everywhere. And you're like, why is there water in my house? What is happening and like you kind of like you can get around it and you can ignore it. But every once awhile, you're like, Oh, my God, why is there a foot of water in my house, and then somebody finally says to you, like, there's a faucet on, go turn off the faucet. Even if you even if you can't get to the faucet right away, just knowing that there's a cause for this mysterious foot of water is makes your life so much better. Yeah. And that's why I think it can be really difficult. And when you face that idea of like, well, maybe it's not ADHD, maybe I don't have it. Maybe somebody's going to think I don't I think I'm lying. Like why we place so much. There's so much at stake with that idea of like, oh, maybe this is all in my head because that's right. Lived our whole lives. Maybe it's all in my heads. Of course, we're gonna apply that to our ADHD diagnosis as well. Yeah. All right. So now you're so you are working with one on one clients? How can people in the Winnebago Illinois area find you? What's the best way to reach you? Are you on social media?

Speaker 1 58:45
Yes. So okay, so you can find me on Facebook, or Instagram. My name is Alejandra Kottke. For the my business for its cornerstone sunless is the name of the business.

Katy Weber 59:01
Well, that's super exciting. I really look forward to following your journey and either in the entrepreneur group or online in general, it's been so much fun chatting with you and getting to know you and figuring out all the different parts underneath your umbrella that makes you you. Oh, my goodness. Well, thank you. Alright, now let's check back in with Ally 100 kg kg today. Hi, can you believe how long it's been? You were episode 12 Which ended up airing in February of 2021. But I feel like we spoke earlier than that. So I'm gonna say it's been like, almost three years. Two years and change. Oh, crazy. Right. It blows my mind how quickly it's gone. Yes. So yeah, so basically I got to 150 episodes and interviews and I wanted to kind of take a break. But I was also looking over this library of all of these amazing interviews from you know, I started right when I was diagnosed and immediately started these interviews. And it was just kind of thinking like, what are some of the episodes that really stood out to me and really stayed with me over the past few years. And so yours, I think, is the earliest one, I think yours was one of the first ones who certainly the first podcast interview where I like, actually started getting feedback and started getting reviews and people reaching out just really, really touched by your story. I feel like it was just really, it's just like, I don't know, I feel like it was like a turning point in terms of really realizing like, Oh, we're, I'm onto something with these conversation

Speaker 1 1:00:50
sets. So awesome. I love to hear that. Thank you for sharing.

Katy Weber 1:00:56
Well, so I, you know, not only wanted to check in with you, because it's been a while and see what you're up to, but also just get an opportunity to thank you for even doing the interview in the first place and really opening up and, you know, helping so many women out there who were hearing these stories and seeing themselves.

Speaker 1 1:01:12
It was so fun. I actually listened to it today because I'm like, Okay, what did I even say? Where was I in terms of like, you know, my thinking and all the things? And like the first little bit of it, I'm like, How was this? Looked up dad? I don't know, dad. And then like, once we got to the end, and I feel like I got a little bit more real a little bit more like, vulnerable in the different, you know, like, putting language to the experience of learning this about yourself. And I was like, okay, like, Yeah, that's cool. Like, I forgot about that. That's so awesome.

Katy Weber 1:01:50
Yeah, what was it like listening back to yourself after almost three years?

Speaker 1 1:01:54
Okay, well, one. So much has happened since then. I'm like, oh, yeah, I was like bright eyed and bushy tailed, like, so excited of how, you know, like, oh, I finally started to understand myself. And then well, to see the progression from there to here. Also, we had talked about, like, what I was up to what I wanted to do in the future and stuff. And we talked about, like, one of the things I was working on was the coaching. So I got certified in that. And then the podcasts, that was another thing. And that's been a whole journey in and of itself, it's still not launched. Like, it's technically I've like marked my territory in the podcast world. So there is it's there. There's a stake in the ground, there's a little one minute, you know, like basically setting my stake in the ground. But it's been in process. And I feel like I'm finally getting to that point. You know, we're like, okay, it's like, I know what it's about. I have like the pillar setup and all the things but that was neat to see the progression. Yeah, that was really cool.

Katy Weber 1:02:56
That's awesome. So yeah, so you will congratulations on the life coaching certification. Thank you. So yeah, how's that going?

Speaker 1 1:03:06
It's going good. Yeah, I got certified a year ago, it's gonna be a year ago now. And the process was amazing. I met some really awesome people and, and it's just been like, this whole year has been more in our work and more even of my own process. And I keep taking so many detours. It's, it's just kind of crazy. I've done some coaching, but not a whole ton. But I feel like I've been in this like, time of just building underground. Do you know what I mean? Where you do like the, the work on yourself, where I feel like there's been a lot of excavation, a lot of tilling of my soil, a lot of uprooting of wounds and mindsets and things that I didn't realize were there and you just discover them as time goes. And as you know, you encounter things and things come up. But in the process of like, like, I've, I have so many great tools. And I have like such a great relationship with God in the process. So it's like, I feel like I'm kind of building a fortress underground. And it's just coming to that time where I'm like, Okay, I'm free. I'm released. I've been moving into new things. Like we just released, we just started an inner healing ministry at my church, which has been amazing, because I've been through that whole process now. And now it's like that time to finally I think we talked about in the last one, where like, knowing that I wanted to help people, but I didn't have the path forward because I hadn't yet been through it myself. And now I'm like, Okay, no, now I've lived like the last three years has been that paving that path and just really moving forward in in that process of like the healing and of renewing my mind and all of that stuff. And so now I feel like I'm on this cusp of the release. So that's, you know, that's been state One is that inner healing ministry. So now we really get to start helping people heal from like wounds and traumas and things and spiritual healing. And then and then what was the other thing? Oh, and then I started school of ministry, which is kind of awesome. I'm really excited about that that just started this three weeks ago. So I don't even know, I don't remember what the question was.

Katy Weber 1:05:26
That's amazing. That is awesome. And I feel like there's I mean, one of the things that is wonderful about coaching is the fact that you, you have you have to have gone through that path. With you know, there is that empathy to help people who are on the same path as you and you're just a little further along on that path. So you can kind of turn around and, and reach out and hold their hand going through that, which I think is always a nice part of the like, one on one kind of healing relationship that coaching can have.

Speaker 1 1:05:54
Yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah. Awesome. It's awesome. And just I know this, I just want to turn it back on you real quick. I have been listening to this new podcast of yours. The ADHD lounge. Oh, yes. It's so awesome. I love it. Congratulations. Oh, thank

Katy Weber 1:06:13
you. That's great. I'll have to tell Alex, we've been having so much fun with it. And, and she's great. I really enjoy having a co host.

Unknown Speaker 1:06:24
It's so good. You guys work really well together.

Katy Weber 1:06:27
Oh, thanks. I'll make sure to tell her. Yeah, we've this has been brewing for a while now. And so I'm glad we're actually finally putting it out into the world because yeah, she's she's great. Where does ADHD play in your life these days? Wow. Okay, obviously, it's still there. But um,

Speaker 1 1:06:45
yeah, for sure. I feel like one of the the things that I encountered that I really had to, like work through was the lack of informed people in my life. As far as when it comes to ADHD, there was a lot of like dismissive, or I feel like it's not understood. And it's, and it was kind of damaging. So in the sense of like, okay, who can I talk to, really, because if I, if I say, I'm struggling with this, and, you know, this, that or the other, I feel like I would be very dismissive. Like, there's, you know, just blanket blanket, statements that were not helpful. And I'm like, Okay, I don't know, like, it's just, people just don't know, even though they may be well, meaning they don't understand what it is. They don't understand that it's not like, your like, like I had said that the other one, like, you're not making an excuse for why you are, you know, this way, that way, it's you're not trying to just say like, Oh, it's just my ADHD, you know, what I mean? Like, my brain works differently. And that's not a bad thing. Like, there's, you know, what I mean, like, we are made all differently, we all come in different skin colors, different body types, and different brain types, like that I don't think is really something that's yet widely accepted. That's widely understood. So when if you say, oh, you know, this is, you know, something that I'm sometimes the, the judgment can just be really, it just like shuts, I went through a period of time where it just like, shut me down. I'm like, Okay, I don't really even know who I can talk to. And I don't really know how to reconcile this, I got kind of like, it was a little bit discouraging for a little while. In fact, I had, I actually had some coaches that I that I did my certification with, that were so amazingly helpful. There was one in particular Her name is Kimberly, I love her so much. We had a really, really awesome talk about it. And she just, like shared with me some really great things that just helped me to kind of reconcile it. But you know, sometimes, like, also, it's the narrative in your head, about how you think about yourself and your brain and in your, you know, what I mean? So there was a lot of like, working through that as well. And I feel like I'm kind of like, I'm settled in that. Like, people don't know. And that's people will catch up. But in the meantime, my brain is different, I think differently. And it's a beautiful thing. And just like every human being, every human being has strengths and weaknesses. And we empower our strengths and we cover our weaknesses in whichever way you know, however we can, and we build bridges, like you'd said, and I don't know it's just, I feel like I'm learning to even think about it in a way that is empowering rather than disempowering, because that can be you know, that that self judgment can also be really, really difficult, but something to overcome. And you know what? was really helpful to me to during this time. Okay, so of course, I bought all like the ADHD books, but did I read them all now? Right? You should see, like, I have so many books, it's, but like, I have a problem. books and courses and podcasts and all the things I love it so much. But okay, this one and then I saw it on your website too, that you guys like do a book club or something on this. When I took I was taking about that was one of the days that I just was feeling specifically particularly like, like, just bombed and just, you know, I started reading this and I started crying. I'm like, she understands me. It was so good. And I was in I, I I put a little bookmark Of course I didn't, you know, come back to it because I don't want to say a bit ADHD. And I just opened it up to where I had left off. And, okay, so stare to discover Chapter Three uncovering where damaging messages about differences come from? And I was like, Yes, this is exactly it. Like I should have read that chapter back then. But another thing that I want to like, that I was thinking about, kind of okay, is tell me if this if you feel like you've had this experience, one of the lies that came up, that was really, that was hurting me. And I didn't realize so like something happened, it would trigger a feeling like it will I and my reaction to a particular event would be disproportionate to the actual event. So I'm like, oh, there's something more there. Right. So a little bit of digging a little bit of praying, I'm okay, what's what why am i Believing what's there? And what came up? Was your too much. Do you do? Does that resonate with you at all?

Katy Weber 1:11:59
Oh, absolutely. I feel like I was told that a lot. Throughout my life.

Speaker 1 1:12:06
Yeah. Right. And like, and doesn't even have to be said in those words. But it is a reaction to you being you. And I when I say you, I'm talking about me, okay. You know what I mean? But like, I, I remember that. If I showed up in the fullness of who I am quirky, and inquisitive, asking a lot of questions, thinking in ways that maybe other people didn't think in. I would be looked at, like, I had two heads. And I thought I'm like, You know what, like, when I did a lot of discovery on this, I'm like, You know what, like, I feel like, I didn't have real friends until becoming an adult because either they were like frenemies, like. So they're friends to my face. But then they really secretly hated me behind my back, you know, stuff like that. And actually, I shouldn't say that, because I did have a few friends throughout, like, you know, that were that were good friends, but. And I'm, and I learned to react by shrinking. And it's something that I've really had to work through. Like, I'm like, why am I shrinking? Why do I feel this like fear of being seen? Why am I so terrified of doing anything? Or saying anything that would put me in front of people? I'm like, okay, the fear of judgment. Yeah. Like, for sure. But where does that come from? Like, why am I so terrified to the point of its immobilizing. Right, so like, I have all these dreams, all these things I want to do, but why is it that I can't move beyond that. And it was like this huge lid was blown off for me when I realized like, that's it. It's this constant message of You're too much. Even if it's like you're too much in a good way, like, You're too bright. You know what I mean? Like, like, it would draw the ire of people and I would have, so it drew a lot of rejection into my life. And I can see that repeated over and over and over as a pattern, even into my adult years. I'm like, okay, so and so like, if you were to name it, what is it? That's too much and like, Okay, you liar, like, I am not, like, you know what I mean? And so it took some battling to kind of overcome that one and to really like, own the fullness of who I am fullness of who God made me to be and not to apologize for that and not to be ashamed for that. You know what I mean? So I don't know I feel like this being someone who's also sensitive. There's, you know, you experience the world without filters so we're the way that I like describe it is okay, so there's a TV and the TV has a certain amount of pixels, right? A low quality too high. No, our picture stories, like low what like a regular TV, you can see the image it's fine, but then you've got a TV that is like 25,000 more pixels, a bajillion pixels. And it's just so much more detailed, and there's just so many more little tiny. That's how I feel like I am. And I don't know if that's everyone ADHD, but but it's just there's just so much more information packed in. And it's a lot, you know. So the the, everything just feels like a lot. You know what I mean?

Katy Weber 1:15:24
I'm just laughing because you're like, why would she choose my episode? And here you have it. I've like this is why I chose your episode because he just like you articulate stuff so well. And I think also that too muchness to like the, it feels like the fear of rejection, right? I mean, that's really what it comes down to is this is wanting to be accepted and the fear of rejection. But I think what ends up happening is we reject ourselves, we reject our true selves. And once we realize that the relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we can have with a human. That's when it's like, we start to really unpack that and say, no, like, it's time for me to embrace who I am. Yeah, yeah,

Unknown Speaker 1:16:07
for sure. Nailed it.

Katy Weber 1:16:11
Yeah, I'm a huge fan of Siri sold in this workbook, and all of her work. Yep. She's just amazing. So anyway, it was so glad to see you again. And so glad. Everything is going well. And thank you again for chatting with me and doing this little recap, but also, thanks for the wonderful interview we did a couple years ago. It is really, it really was impactful.

Speaker 1 1:16:33
Thank you. Thank you for having me. This is so great. That sounds fun.

Katy Weber 1:16:44
There you have it. Thank you for listening. And I really hope you enjoyed this episode of the women in ADHD podcast. If you'd like to find out more about me and my coaching programs, head over to women and adhd.com If you're a woman who was diagnosed with ADHD and you'd like to apply to be a guest on this podcast, visit women and adhd.com/podcast guest and you can find that link in the episode show notes. Also, you know, we ADHD ears crave feedback. And I would really appreciate hearing from you the listener, please take a moment to leave me a review on Apple podcasts or audible. And if that feels like too much, and I totally get it. Please just take a few seconds right now to give me a five star rating. Or share this episode on your own social media to help reach more women who maybe have yet to discover and lean into this gift of nerd of urgency. And they may be struggling and they don't even know why. I'll see you next week when I interview another amazing woman who discovered she's not lazy or crazy or broken. But she has ADHD and she's now on the path to understanding her neuro divergent mind and finally using this gift to her advantage. Take care till then